Wherein One Of The Many Benefits Of Celebrity Is Discussed, or, Seems Kind Of Pathetic, Like Eating At The McDonalds On Saint Germaine

Act Fourteen, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 5:44 PM, Couch, Home, Watching E!

Myself: If you're going to prison for stalking, shouldn't it be an actual celebrity? He can do so much better than Hillary Duff.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Fine Line Between Too Much And Way Too Much Is Discussed, or, Screw Plaids And Stripes, I'm Talking Zebra And Leopard

Act Thirteen, Scene Five

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:44 PM, Couch, Home, Watching Project Runway

Myself: Michael's model looks like a bad seventies rumpus room.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Majesty Of Love Is Discussed, or, As Lucky In Love As Eva Braun

Act Thirteen, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 10:34 AM, couch, Home, Watching Flava Of Love 2

Myself: Dumped not once, but twice by Flava Flav? I can't decide if she's pathetic or lucky.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein Principles Are Sacrificed For Good Dental Coverage, or, The Spot Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Act Thirteen, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, My New Gay Neighbor

Setting: 8:06 PM, Backyard, Home

MNGN: How long have you been married?
Myself: Oh, were not married yet.
MNGN: Really?
Myself: We've been talking about May.
MNGN: A May wedding would be delicious.
Myself: I know we should be high minded like Angelina and Brad and wait until its legal for everyone to get married, but I really want health insurance.

Wherein One Beholds The True Power Of A Six Sigma Master Black Belt, or, One Of Three Point Four Per Million

Act Thirteen, Scene Two

Cast: Woman Shopping, Man Waiting

Setting: 2:21 PM, Alla Prima, Hayes Street, San Fancisco

WS: That woman at the counter was really rude.
MW: Sweetie, that woman is way too self involved to be rude.

Wherein The Depth Of One's Faith Is Discussed, or, Didn't Bill Clinton Teach Us Anything About Interns?

Act Thirteen, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 12:21 PM, couch, Home, Watching Fox News

Myself: No one's a Christian when they're alone in a room.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Difference Between Forrest Gump And Raymond Babbit Is Discussed, or, Two Plus Two Equals Jello

Act Twelve, Scene Five

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 8:21 PM, couch, Home, Watching The Girls Next Door

Myself: Damn Kendra is dumb. She makes Anna Nicole Smith look like a member of Mensa.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Importance Of A Sense Of Humor Is Discussed, or, At Least He Had The Courtesy To Look Crazy

Act Twelve, Scene Four

Cast: Man Eating Callos Jean, Woman Eating Crema De Frijol A La Cerveza

Setting: 10:16 PM, Candelas, Third Avenue, San Diego

WECDFALC: Shellie's new girlfriend kind of scares me.
MECJ: Why is that?
WECDFALC: She looks like an extra in American History X.
MECJ: I don't know, I kind of like her. For a neo-Nazi, she's pretty funny.

Wherein The Importance Of A Good First Impression Is Discussed, or, If It Seems To Good To Be True, It Must Be A Bulk Email

Act Twelve, Scene Three

Cast: Man Putting For Birdie, Man Putting For Par

Setting: 10:12 AM, Seventeenth Hole, Lake Course at The Olympic Club, San Francisco

MPFP: Did you hear that Pat and Anita broke up?
MPFB: No, but it was only a matter of time.
MPFP: Why?
MPFB: He met her at church.
MPFP: Seriously?
MPFB: Their relationship was doomed from the start.

Wherein The Strength Of One Man's Masochistic Tendencies Are Measured, or, Two Hours Of Intense Cardio Daily

Act Twelve, Scene Two

Cast: Man Drinking Warm Sake, Woman Eating Toro

Setting: 8:47 PM, Ebisu, Ninth Avenue, San Francisco

WET: How is the new job going?
MDWS: The job is great but I hate the commute.
WET: How long is it?
MDW: An hour each way.
WET: That's not too bad.
MDWS: Maybe not, but there is no one on earth less suited to commuting than I am.
WET: Why is that?
MDWS: I can't even get through the check out at the grocery store without wanting to kill someone.

Wherein The Unholy Alliance Of Vapid And Semi-Literate Is Discussed, or, Is Deeply Shallow An Oxymoron?

Act Twelve, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:51 PM, couch, Home, Watching Project Runway

Myself: Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson? Its hard to believe that there's a movie that's actually better because Andy Dick is in it.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The State Of The Union Is Discussed, Part IV, or, Bad News Hurts Less When You Are Well Dressed

Act Eleven, Scene Five

Cast: Man In Etro Shirt, Woman With Hermes Bag

Setting: 11:46 AM, Clinton Street Baking Company, Clinton Street, New York

WWHB: This isn't a relationship, its Stockholm Syndrome.

Wherein The Application Of Necessary Force Is Discussed, or, You Just Might Find, You Get What You Need

Act Eleven, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 10:43 PM, Desk, Home, Watching Fox News

Myself: Enlightened self interest. Right. Its the art of being just nice enough to someone that they still blow you.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The State of Fashion Is Discussed, Part III, or, Where Were These Girls When I Was In College?

Act Eleven, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Someone Else

Setting: 2:43 PM, University Bookstore, State Street

Myself: When did dressing like whore become fashionable?
Someone Else: Apparently you've been in a cave in Tora Bora for the last decade.
Myself: Well, yeah, but she looks like Paris Hilton's slutty little sister.
Someone Else: You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Myself: Why didn't she just get "I'm Easy" tattooed on her forehead?
Someone Else: She wants to look cheap, not desperate.
Myself: Then well done, I guess.

Wherein The Odd Fluctuations In The Balance Of Good and Evil Are Discussed, or, For A Republican You Know An Awful Lot About Pop Culture

Act Eleven, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 10:43 PM, Desk, Home, Posting To Utility Of Squirrels

Myself: I mention Bukkake and my goodness rating hits 80%. The next post I mention Paris Hilton and I'm down to 65%. I wonder what would happen if I mentioned Lindsay Lohan?
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Similarity Of Things That Seem Quite Different Are Discussed, or, Once Again Walking The Fine Line Between Something And Something Else

Act Ten, Scene Five

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 2:47 AM, Desk, Home, Surfing The Net

Myself: I'm beginning to understand why all those fundamentalist Musmlims hate the internet. I Googled "burkka" and got, "Did you mean: bukkake".
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Gospel According To C & C Music Factory Is Discussed, or, It Really Is All In How You Look At It

Act Eleven, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 2:55 AM, Desk, Home, Posting To Utility Of Squirrels

Myself: Does it seem wrong that after I mention bukkake, my goodness certification jumped from to 67% to 80%?
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Perils Of Seeing A Psychologist Who Earned His Degree Online Are Discussed, or, ...Fool Me Twice, I Must Have Gone To Stanford

Act Ten, Scene Four

Cast: Man In Seat 1B, Woman In Seat 1C

Setting: 11:07 AM, America West Flight 53, JFK to LAS

WIS1C: So how are things going with Dr. Feinman?
MIS1B: I had to stop seeing him.
WIS1C: What!? Why?
MIS1B: I found out he owns a couple of fast food places.
WIS1C: What's wrong with that?
MIS1B: How can I respect the advice of a man dumb enough to buy TWO Arby's?
WIS1C: Really? Arby's? Two of them?
MIS1B: If they had been Taco Bell's, I would have kept seeing him.
WIS1C: God, that's awful. It would be like finding out your son's teacher went to Michigan State.

Wherein All The Possible Meanings Of The Word "Screwed" Are Discussed, or, From Lee To Lee Harvey In One Simple Step

Act Ten, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 6:47 PM, Couch, Home, Watching CNN

Myself: You know you're fucked when the reporters start using your middle name.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Mining Of A Heretofore Untapped Demo Is Discussed, or, Working The Graveyard Shift At The Methadone Clinic

Act Ten, Scene Two

Cast: Unemployed Graphic Designer At Next Table, Woman With Unemployed Graphic Designer At Next Table

Setting: 6:14 PM, JJ's, West 48th Street, Kansas City

WWUGDANT: How did your interview with Hallmark go?
UGDANT: Pretty well I think.
WWUGDANT: Did they tell you what you'd be doing?
UGDANT: They're starting a boutique line of sympathy cards for the partners of men with ED.
WWUGDANT: Wow. If the number of Viagra ads I've seen lately is any indicator, you'll be working 80 hours a week.

Wherein The Meaning Of The Word "Plenty" Is Parsed, or, Poh-tay-toe or Pah-tay-toe

Act Ten, Scene One

Cast: Man In Bar Arguing With Girl Friend, Girl Friend Of Man In Bar

Setting: 11:14 PM, Bar, Joe's Stone Crab, South Beach

GFOMIB: I touch your cock plenty.
MIBAWGF: No, I touch my cock plenty. You only touch it occasionally.

Wherein The Inadvisability Of Flipping Houses Near A Faultline Is Discussed, or, For A Pacifist You Have Quite A Temper

Act Nine, Scene Five

Cast: Long Haired Man In Brown Crocs, Short Haired Man In Mondale-Ferraro T-Shirt

Setting: 7:14 PM, Bar, Lalime, Gilman Street, Berkeley

LHMIBC: I hear Sasha set you up with one of her friends.
SHMIM-FT: Yeah, Alice, we went out a few days ago.
LHMIBC: How did it go?
SHMIM-FT: When I went to pick her up she was trying to kill a fly with a copy of Silent Spring. It went downhill from there.
LHMIBC: Bummer.

Wherein The Possible Consequences Of The Goth Lifestyle Are Discussed, or, 95 Degrees Plus 80 Percent Humidity

Act Nine, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Someone Else

Setting: 10:17 PM, Bently Beach Hotel, Miami, Talking On Phone

SE: How is Florida?
M: Hot and humid.
SE: Have you been to the beach yet?
M: Not yet. I've been hanging out at the mall watching the kids with Hot Topic bags explode as they walk to their cars.

Wherein The Phrase "Total Misnomer" Is Discussed, or, Wouldn't We All Be Happier If Old Rockstars Just Went Away

Act Nine, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 11:52 AM, Home, Desk, Shopping In The iTunes Music Store

Myself: Why isn't Billy Joel's new album called "Please Help Pay For My Next Trip To Rehab"?

Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein An Alternate Theory Of The Case Is Discussed, or, One Upped By A Silicon Chip

Act Nine, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 11:54 AM, Home, Desk, Posting to UoS

Myself: When you run spell check on the words "Billy Joel's", joyless is the first thing on the list of alternatives. Damn, they're right. That would be an even better title than the one I suggested.

Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Evolution Of Man Is Discussed, or, How To Become French (Part One)

Act Nine, Scene One

Cast: Man Drinking Martini In Lounge, Man Drinking Diet Coke In Lounge

Setting: 10:50PM, Buddha Bar, Little West 12th Street, New York

MDDCIL: I've been thinking about getting a new car.
MDMIL: Oh yeah? What kind?
MDDCIL: An Audi TT. I went over Zumbach yesterday afternoon.
MDMIL: Really? What did you think?
MDDCIL: It was weird.
MDMIL: The car or the dealership?
MDDCIL: The car was nice, its the salesmen that kind of freaked me out.
MDMIL: What do you mean?
MDDCIL: Its like there are only two kinds of guys who sell cars: the 22 year old, type-A, go-getters and the 45 year old, bitter, hateful guys they will become if they stay in the business.

Wherein The Possible Implications of The Phrase "Hecho En Mexico" Are Discussed, or, Front Row At The Tommy Chong Experience

Act Eight, Scene Five

Cast: Man Sitting at Desk, Man Talking To Man Sitting At Desk

Setting: 9:12 AM, Cube Farm, Some Office

MTMSAD: Wow. You're here. Where have you been all week?
MSAD: I was having trouble getting to sleep on Saturday night so I took one of those sleeping pills you brought me from Mexico.
MTMSAD: Yeah?
MSAD: It turns out they were ketamine. I slept for three days.
MTMSAD: So they worked, huh?

Wherein Abby The Dog Accidentally Steps On The Remote, or, A Backhanded Kind Of Compliment

Act Eight, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 8:27 PM, Couch, Home, Watching A&E

Myself: You know, saying "Brought to you by the people who produce Dog the Bounty Hunter", is sort of like saying "Brought to you by the guy who gave you genital warts".
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The New Kid On The Block Is Discussed, or, That Guy Is Awfully Pretty To Be Working In Retail

Act Eight, Scene Four

Cast: Man Walking In Mall With Banana Republic Bag, Woman Walking In Mall With Filene's Bag

Setting: 2:43 PM, Meriden Mall, Meriden, CT

MWIMWBRB: Oh, look, they opened a Hollister.
WWIMWFB: What kind of store is it?
MWIMWBRB: Its like Abercrombie without the homoerotic undertone.

Wherein Abby The Dog Offers A Lesson In Mathematics, or, If A = B And B = C, Then John McCain Is Still A Tool

Act Eight, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 11:15 PM, Couch, Home, Watching QVC

Myself: If you drew a Venn diagram of the people who watch Crossing Over and the people who buy the crap on QVC, the intersection would be made up entirely of people who would vote for Hillary Clinton.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The State Of Our Judicial System Is Discussed, or, The Wise Man Plans For Rain On A Sunny Day

Act Eight, Scene Two

Cast: Woman Drinking Cosmo One Table Over, Man Eating Shabu-shabu One Table Over

Setting: 12:05 AM, Masa, Time Warner Center, New York

WDCOTO: I've been reading your blog. I enjoy it very much.
MES-SOTO: I don't really think of it as a blog. I consider it the groundwork for a future insanity defense.

Wherein The Theory Of Relativity Is Discussed, or, How On Earth Did Fox Let That Guy Get Away

Act Eight, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 2:51 AM, Home, Couch, Channel Surfing

Myself: I don't know which show makes me feel better about myself, Blown Away or Dog The Bounty Hunter.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Difficulties Of Meeting For The First Time Are Discussed, or, A Bad Date Is Often Better Than No Date

Act Seven, Scene Five

Cast: Man Eating Eggs Benedict, Man Drinking Tea

Setting: 2:47 PM, Resto Cafe Oxford, rue Sainte-Catherine,Montreal

MEEB: I heard that you let Nicole set you up on a blind date.
MDT: Yes. Her name was Maria.
MEEB: How did it go?
MDT: Its not a good sign when the transvestite with hairy arms and a moustache of Magnum like proportions at the next table looks more appealing than your date.
MEEB: That bad?
MDT: Worse.
MEEB: How could it be worse?
MDT: Everything she was wearing was from the Marge Simpson collection.
MEEB: Who? The transvestite?
MDT: No. My date.
MEEB: Are you going to see her again?
MDT: Tuesday.

Wherein The Difficulties Of Being Someplace Else Are Discussed, or, Like No English I've Ever Heard

Act Seven, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:51 AM, Home, Couch, Watching CBC News: Sunday

Myself: I wish there were subtitles.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Difficulties Of Raising Children Are Discussed, or, Who Was It That Green Lighted That Title

Act Seven, Scene Two

Setting: 9:25 PM, Tru, North Saint Claire Street, Chicago

Cast: Man In Brioni Suit, Woman In Manolo Blahnik Shoes

MIBS: I saw a commercial for a new show on TLC called 'Honey We're Killing The Kids'.
WIMBS: Oh?
MIBS: Its hosted by John and Patsy Ramsey.

Wherein The First Amendment To The Constitution Is Discussed, or, Stuck Between The Osmonds And The Osbournes

Act Seven, Scene One

Cast: Man On Elliptical Trainer One, Man On Elliptical Trainer Two

Setting: 3:27 PM, YMCA, Madison West

MOETO: I see they sold the house next to yours.
MOETT: Yeah. A couple of Jehovah's Witness' bought it.
MOETO: Really?
MOETT: The first thing they did after they moved in was put up a "no soliciting" sign.

Wherein The Move That Will Bring Down Netflix Is Discussed, or, Its Better Than Doing Dinner Theater In Escondido With Jenilee Harrison

Act Six, Scene Five

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 11:17 AM, Home, desk, surfing the net

Myself: This is amazing! For the bargain price of forty eight bucks William Shatner will personally send me a DVD of a movie that I have never heard of each month for a year. God bless you, TJ Hooker!
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Reallocation Of Wealth Is Discussed, or, Still Upset That I Never Got A Dirt Bike

Act Six, Scene Four

Setting: 12:34 PM, Walgreens, University Avenue

Cast: Man Picking Up Prescription, Woman Buying Mascara

MPUP: Do you have ten bucks I can borrow?
WBM: I thought your co-pay was fifteen.
MPUP: It is, but I have five bucks that I forgot to give back to my Mom.
WBM: So you're stealing from your own mother?
MPUP: I don't think of it as stealing. I see it more as a down payment on reparations for a disappointing childhood.

Wherein French Impressionist Art Is Discussed, or, The Fine Line Between Poppy Field (Giverny) And A Black Velvet Elvis

Act Six, Scene Three

Cast: Man Looking At Painting

Setting: 10:24 AM, Second Floor, Art Institute Of Chicago

MLAP: It is somewhat encouraging to note that even a genius like Monet occasionally had an off day.

Wherein The Decision Of An Unexpected Artist To Cover A Prodigy Song Is Discussed, or, First Peewee, Now This. What The Hell Is Going On In Florida?

Act Six, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:27 AM, Couch, Home, Watching E! News Daily

Myself: Yanni got busted for domestic violence? Next thing you know Bjork and Ozzy will be remaking Muskrat Love.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Programming Decisions Of Channel 49 Are Discussed, or, Where Were The Girls Like This When I Was In Highschool

Act Six, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 7:41 PM, Home, Couch, Watching ABC Family

Myself: I don't get it. Its not okay to show the two girls kissing but the incest is fine?
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Urban Proletariat Discusses The Industrial Bourgeoisie, or, You Have No Secrets From The IT Guys

Act Five, Scene Five

Cast: Tech Support Guy In Elevator One, Tech Support Guy In Elevator Two

Setting: 2:35 PM, Elevator, 850 Third Avenue, New York, New York

TSGIEO: Where are you headed?
TSGIET: Twenty Three. Daniel Stevens' office.
TSGIEO: What is it this time?
TSGIET: Keyboard.
TSGIEO: Again? I fixed it two days ago.
TSGIET: What was the problem?
TSGIEO: He accidentally unplugged it.
TSGIET: Didn't he check before he called?
TSGIEO: Stevens? That guy is too lazy to masturbate.
TSGIET: That would be funny if it wasn't so true.
TSGIEO: That wasn't the worst part.
TSGIET: No?
TSGIEO: There was enough food in the keyboard to feed an Ethopian village for a month.

Wherein The Recruiting Policies Of Her Magesty's Secret Service Are Discussed, or, My Dog Wants A Milkbone Martini, Shaken Not Stirred

Act Four, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:27 PM, Couch, Home, Watching E! News Daily

Myself: Daniel Craig as the new James Bond is like casting Carrot Top as Othello.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Keeping Of The House Is Discussed, or, A Woman Finally Says Something Funny On My Blog

Act Four, Scene Three

Cast: Woman Shopping For Broccoli, Woman Shopping For Avocado

Setting: 2:37 PM, Produce Department, Whole Foods, Madison

WSFB: I had Peter move the sofa this morning so I could vacuum.
WSFA: Yes?
WSFB: There was enough dog hair under it to knit a pekingese.

Wherein The Auctioning Of Antiques Is Discussed, or, A What Where Now?

Act Four, Scene Two

Cast: Man In Suit In Seat 4A, Woman In Black In Seat 4B

Setting: 6:17 PM, Northwest Flight 1704, LAX to JFK

MISIS4A: So what will you be doing in New York?
WIBIS4B: I am going to an auction preview at Christie's.
MISIS4A: Really? What are you interested in?
WIBIS4B: They have a rare collection of handcarved 19th century Amish sex toys.
MISIS4A: [choking on drink] Excuse me? Sex toys? Amish sex toys?
WIBIS4B: Yes, I've been collecting them for years.
MISIS4A: I have absolutely no response to that.

Wherein The Advantage Of Surprise Is Discussed, or, One Reporter, One Camera, One Moron

Act Four, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 6:23 PM, Home, Couch, Watching MSNBC

Myself: If I ever walk into a room and there's a guy with a camera waiting, I'm not sticking around to answer questions.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Currently Popular Coiffure Is Discussed, or, The Tragic Cost Of Napping With Wet Hair

Act Three, Scene Five

Cast: Man Waiting For Table, Mother Of Man Waiting For Table

Setting: 8:47 PM, Laboratorio Del Galileo Restaurant, Foggy Bottom, Washington, DC

MOMWFT: What's going on with your hair?
MWFT: I was going for a Robert Smith effect.
MOMWFT: It didn't work.
MWFT: Mom, do you even know who Robert Smith is?
MOMWFT: Not really, no.

Wherein The State Of The Union Is Discussed, or, If You Like Two Ounces Of Light Rum, Five Ounces Of Pineapple Juice and Two Ounces Of Coconut Cream

Act Three, Scene Four

Cast: Woman Arguing With Man In Thai Restaurant

Setting: 8:17 PM, Lime Leaf Restaurant, Charlottesville, VA

WAWMITR: I'd dump you right now if it didn't cost twenty bucks to put my profile back online.

Wherein The State Of Investigative Journalism Is Discussed, or, Tabloids, Rednecks and Nekkid Women

Act Three, Scene Three

Cast: Woman Reading The Enquirer, Man With Woman Reading The Enquirer

Setting: 4:23 PM, Check-out Lane Four, Kroger, Barraks Road Shopping Center, Charlottesville, VA

WRTE: It says he killed her because they were having money problems and he was addicted to internet porn.
MWWRTE: If every broke guy who liked to look at internet porn killed his wife there wouldn't be a woman left alive in North America.

Wherein The Mental Health Of Reality Show Contestants Is Discussed, or, Is She The Bush Kind Of Crazy Or The Cheney Kind Of Crazy?

Act Three, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:57 PM, Couch, Home, Watching Flava Of Love

Myself: Being called crazy by Flava Fav is kind of a pot and kettle sort of thing.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Possible Implications Of Lunch Are Discussed, or, Should Taco Bell Really Be Referred To As A Mexican Restaurant

Act Three, Scene One

Cast: Man In Line, Woman In Line

Setting: 12:14 PM, Taco Bell, Mass Ave, Cambridge, MA

WIL: What are you getting?
MIL: Hepatitis C and a Diet Pepsi.

Wherein Fashion Is Discussed Again, or, Five Homosexuals, A Sweater And The United States Postal Service

Act Two, Scene Five

Cast: Man Shopping For Sweater, Mother Of Man Shopping For Sweater

Setting: 4:29 PM, Ralph Lauren Department, Marshall Fields, Madison

MSFS: Maybe we should buy him a sweater.
MOMSFS: That sounds good.
MSFS: What colour do you think he'd like?
MOMSFS: I don't have any idea. I don't really know him that well.
MSFS: Well the guys on Queer Eye say that you should play to your strengths.
MOMSFS: Alright. What, exactly, are his strengths.
MSFS: He looks like a serial killer. Lets go with that.
MOMSFS: And what does one buy for a serial killer?
MSFS: Does this place sell mailman uniforms?

Wherein Abby The Dog Gets To Choose What We Watch On Television, or, My Dog Wants A Plasma Screen And Tivo

Act Two, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 11:27 PM, Couch, Home, Watching The AKC/Eukanuba National Championship 2006 on Animal Planet.

Myself: I bet it took more work to get that Malamute ready than it took any woman to get ready for the Grammys.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein My Introduction To Gumby Is Discussed, or, A Year In The Life Of A Dying Man, Part One

The first time we met, Gumby was sitting on a mattress in the middle of the floor of what was to be our shared dorm room. He had dumped a box of Lucky Charms out on the mattress in front of him and was carefully sorting them into separate piles of cereal and marshmallows. There was another mattress leaning against the wall, two matching and unopened suitcases and what appeared to be an expensive Sony stereo still in its box.

I stood in the door with my duffle bag on my shoulder and watched as he began to sort the marshmallows by color. Lost in thought and not wanting to interrupt, I just stood in the door and watched. It was almost ten minutes before he noticed me.

“Oh.” His accent labeled him immediately as a New Yorker. “Hey. I’m Alex. Want some marshmallows?”

Not sure how to respond, I just said no and he went back to sorting.

I dropped my bag next to the stereo and went back downstairs to get my bike. A flyer in the freshman packet had said that your room was the safest place to keep it and that the bookstore sold ceiling hooks for three bucks. I carried it up the stairs and wondered about my roommate. He had short black hair and a dark complexion that wasn’t just a tan. He looked like he belonged on the cover of a J Crew catalogue.

I didn’t know it then, but we were the perfect roommates. The best of all possible combinations: I was over 21 and he had a car. I could to buy booze and he had a way to go and get it.

I rolled the bike down the hall nodding and saying hello to the few people I passed. As I walked into the room Alex was throwing handfuls of cereal out the window and the marshmallows had been arranged into the shapes of several rather elaborate fish. He noticed me come in and looked at the bike.

“Sick ride. Haro, right? Extreme Comp?” I nodded and he sat down carefully so as not to disturb his fish. “All XT. Cool. Rapid-fire or thumbs?”

“Thumbs. With CQP cranks and spuds.”

“Nice.” He started eating the tail of a blue fish, one marshmallow at a time without using his hands. He would just bend down and carefully pick one up with his teeth. I leaned my bike against the wall, leaned out the open window and looked out at the trees in the quad.

“So do you smoke or what?” I heard from behind me.

“Not cigarettes.” He laughed and opened one of the suitcases and took out a glass bong and a gallon sized Zip Lock filled with at least a key of weed.

“You’ll like this. Bought it all for three hundred in Cabo a month ago. Put it in a tampon box in my mom’s suitcase on the way back. Assholes.” I wasn’t sure who he meant. He got up, said he would be back and left with the bong.

I looked at the open suitcase. On top of a pair of Levi’s and a blue button down was a bottle of Valium, a bottle of yellow and black pills I didn’t recognize, two boxes of Zig Zags, a perfume sized bottle of clear liquid with a screw top and a pair of gray gym socks that said K-Swiss.

Everything a freshman needed to succeed in college.

Shit. I wished that I was half as well prepared.

Wherein The Art Of Saying The Correct Thing Is Discussed, or, How I Told My Grandfather That I Love Him

Earlier tonight I sat across the kitchen table from my Grandfather, a cribbage board and a red deck of Bicycle cards between us, and didn't know what to say.

He and I have been playing cribbage together as long as I can remember. Our conversation has always centered on a few, mainly inane, topics. We make fun of each others card playing abilities and occasionally commiserate about the sorry state of the Packers. We talk about the latest model of Chrysler or how shallow the lake seems this year.

Tonight was different though.

Mainly because my Grandmother died on Tuesday and now I don't know what to say.

As I drove over I thought of a hundred things to say, none of which came close to being correct.

What do you say to the man who lost the woman he'd been married to for nearly 60 years? What do you say to the man who you have always told people that you wanted to grow up to be? What do you say to the man who you admire and respect and love more than any other man you have ever known?

What do you say to that man when he sits across from you and slowly deals cards?

To say that you're sorry is so gross an understatement that it doesn't merit consideration. To say that you love him isn't necessary, it is simply understood.

When he finishes dealing you just pick up your cards and play.

You say nothing.

Because you don't really need to.

Wherein The Difficulties Of Dressing In The Dark Are Discussed, or, How My Poor Fashion Sense Cost Me $4.2 Million (Canadian)

Act Two, Scene Three

Cast: Guy In Suit Walking Through The Lobby One, Guy In Suit Walking Through The Lobby Two

Setting: 3:22 PM, Lobby, Hotel Le St. James, Rue Saint-Jacques, Montreal

GISWTTLO: They must have thought I was crazy.
GISWTTLT: Why would they think that?
GISWTTLO: Because I'm wearing a blue pinstripe jacket with a pair of grey pinstripe pants.
GISWTTLT: That didn't make you look crazy, it made you look eccentric and interesting.
GISWTTLO: Really?
GISWTTLT: It was the brown shoes that made you look crazy.
GISWTTLO: We're not getting the contract are we?
GISWTTLT: Not a chance in hell.

Wherein The State of Popular Music is Discussed, or, My Life As A Talentless Hack Part Deux

Act Two, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 3:27 AM, Couch, Home, Watching MTV

Myself: 'My Humps' is kind of like the modern equivalent of when the Beatles would let Ringo sing a couple of songs.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Difficulties Of Being A Guy Are Discussed, or, How To Sleep Comfortably On The Sofa

Act Two, Scene One

Cast: Guy At TGI Friday's Bar One, Guy At TGI Friday's Bar Two

Setting: 10:27 PM, bar, TGI Friday's, Pearson International Airport, Toronto

GATGIFBO: Did you hear about Tony and Susan?
GATGIFBT: No. What happened?
GATGIFBO: She gave him a book of naughty coupons for his birthday.
GATGIFBT: Nice.
GATGIFBO: So he had a bit too much to drink at his birthday party.
GATGIFBT: Right.
GATGIFBO: Sue was driving him home afterwords and he wanted to stop for cigarettes.
GATGIFBT: And then?
GATGIFBO: Well he was taking forever, so she went in to see what was going on.
GATGIFBT: Yeah?
GATGIFBO: Tony didn't have any cash so he was trying to buy a pack of Camels with a blow job coupon.
GATGIFBT: Ouch.

Wherein Women's Fashion Is Discussed, or, How I Inadvertently Offended Half The Women In A Certain Town Which Shall Remain Nameless

Act Two, Scene One

Cast: Some Man, Some Woman

Setting: 6:22 PM, Some Man's bedroom

Some Man: (Trying on Some Woman's skirt.)
Some Woman: That isn't going to fit you.
Some Man: Why not?
Some Woman: It's an eight baby - you need at least a ten.
Some Man: Half the women in this town would kill to be a ten.

Wherein The Simpsons Are Discussed, Or My Life As A Talentless Hack

Act One, Scene Five

Cast: Myself , Abby The Dog

Setting: 4:22 AM, Couch, Home, Watching MTV

Myself: I really think Ashlee should have called this album "Because I'm More Likely To Fuck You Than My Sister".
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein An Ex-Girlfriend Is Discussed, or, The Face of An Angel And The Brain Of A Gummy Bear

Act One, Scene Four

Cast: Guy On Exercise Bicycle One (One), Guy On Exercise Bicycle Two (Two)

Setting: 12:20 PM, Princeton Club, Madison West

Two: How is Jean?
One: We broke up.
Two: Really? When?
One: Day before yesterday.
Two: Good.
One: (Surprised) What?
Two: I never liked her.
One: Why not?
Two: I never understood how someone that stupid could have such a good vocabulary.

Wherein Fashion is Discussed, or, Just An Aluminum Foil Chapeau Short Of Crazy

Act One, Scene Three

Cast: The Roommate

Setting: 7:14 PM, 21 September 1990, Room 317, Ames Hall

The Roommate: How do you expect to get a girl dressed like that? You look like you're homeless.

Wherein the Difficulties of Gift Giving Are Discussed, or, Parkinson's, A Dart Board and A Rather Unfortunate Cat.

Act One, Scene Two

Cast: Man Overheard Talking On Cellular Phone While Shopping at Target.

Setting: 4:47 PM, Electronics Department, Target, Madison West

MOTOCPWSAT: Hey.
MOTOCPWSAT: I found a birthday present for Tom and I wanted to see what you thought.
MOTOCPWSAT: A dart board.
MOTOCPWSAT: Really?
MOTOCPWSAT: He has Parkinson's?
MOTOCPWSAT: Huh.
MOTOCPWSAT: Then I guess a dart board probably isn't the way to go.
MOTOCPWSAT: Damn.
MOTOCPWSAT: I guess I'm going to have to kill him.
MOTOCPWSAT: Well, it would be easier to dispose of his body then find a gift.
MOTOCPWSAT: I'll let you know.
MOTOCPWSAT: Bye.

Wherein Air Travel is Discussed, or, How I Learned To Meet Members of The TSA Upclose and Personal at DFW

Act One, Scene One

Cast: Protagonist, Voice Heard Over PA, Nearest Dozen Passengers, Woman Sitting Next to Protagonist.

Setting: 11:40 PM, Gate A19 at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport. Our protagonist is sitting on a black vinyl bench with his back to the window. Behind him we see an American Airlines 757 at the gate.

Voice Heard Over PA: For those passengers waiting for flight 1654 to Chicago, we have just been informed by Airtran that we will need to delay departure while they check a minor mechanical issue.

Protagonist: (Looking over shoulder and out window.) Hmm. It isn't too often that you see FBI and ATF guys on the wing of your plane with a bomb dog.

Nearest Dozen Passengers: (Heads snap towards window.) Various mumbling noises.

Woman Sitting Next to Protagonist: What?! (Seeing look on Protagonist's face.) You really shouldn't stay things like that.