Wherein The Bitter, Hateful Side Of My Nature Reasserts Itself, or, Working Through The To Do List Backwards

Act Fifteen, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, A Pretty Vase Of Yellow Tulips

Setting: 4:15 PM, Home, Surfing The Net

Myself: Hmm...the guy that produced Popozao killed himself. If only he'd thought of the rest of us and reversed the order.
APVOYT: [Does nothing.]

Wherein The Fine Line Between Bad Date And Really Bad Date Is Discussed, or, Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend

Act Fifteen, Scene One

Cast: Woman With Magenta Hair, Man Wearing Mao Pin

Setting: 8:15 PM, The Laurelwood, Portland

MWMP: My sister is trying to set me up with this woman she works with.
WWMH: A blind date?
MWMP: I talked to her on the phone last night. She wants to go out on Saturday.
WWMH: You might wind up dead in a ditch somewhere.
MWMP: That wouldn't be the worst weekend I've had recently.

Wherein The Gender Of A Rather Large Rock Is Discussed, or, Why Isn't This Getting Easier As I Get Older?

Act Fourteen, Scene Five

Cast: Man Reading The Gnostic Gospels, Woman Reading Vanity Fair

Setting: 4:23 PM, Powells Books, Portland

MRTGG: Last night when I was at dinner I overheard two women talking about whether Mt. Hood was male or female.
WRVF: What did they decide?
MRTGG: They didn't - one said male the other said female.
WRVF: Which side do you come down on?
MRTGG: Mt. Hood is definitely female.
WRVF: Whys that?
MRTGG: Because she's capricious, frigid, utterly heartless, looks easy from a distance and you have no idea how much trouble you're in until its too late.
WRVF: Wow. I have no response to that.

Wherein The Usefulness Of Orange Juice As A Nasal Spray Is Discussed, or, Stop Talking Until I'm Done Drinking This

Act Fourteen, Scene Four

Cast: Man Eating Fried Potatoes, Woman Drinking Orange Juice

Setting: 9:23 AM, Violet's Cafe, Portland

MEFP: I had to go out to Wal-Mart last night to buy a shower curtain.
WDOJ: Which one did you go to?
MEFP: The one on 82nd.
WDOJ: Really? I'm glad you lived to tell the tale.
MEFP: I didn't realize what a dodgy area it was in until the cashier said, "Good luck getting to your car" when she handed me my change.
WDOJ: [Snorts OJ through nose]
MEFP: And the "greeter" looks like a cross between Crispin Glover and Charles Manson. The look on his face - I swear he was trying to kill me with the power of mind.
WDOJ: Damn it. Stop that.

Wherein One Gets Lost Trying To Follow The Middle Way In Downtown Portland, or, Was There A Discount On One Way Street Signs?

Act Fourteen, Scene Three

Cast: Man In Blue Sweater Holding IPA, Man In Green T-shirt Drinking Pabst

Setting: 1:07 AM, Still watching Jackstraw, Goodfoot Bar, Portland

MIGTDP: So what do you do?
MIBSHI: At the moment? Nothing.
MIGTDP: Umm...okay.
MIBSHI: I moved to Portland last night. I just started looking.
MIGTDP: Ahh, okay. So in an ideal world what would you do for a living?
MIBSHI: In an ideal world? I'd be leading a socialist revolution in Mexico.
MIGTDP: Huh.
MIBSHI: I don't know that I'd be any good at it, though.
MIGTDP: Because you're a gringo?
MIBSHI: Not that. It's hard to light the fire of revolution when you're a Buddhist.

Wherein The Danger Of Mixing Business And Pleasure Is Discussed, or, Like A Cross Between A Jehovah's Witness and A Member Of The Gambino Family

Act Fourteen, Scene Two

Cast: Man In Blue Sweater, Drunk Woman In Jeans

Setting: 11:17 PM, Watching Jackstraw, Goodfoot Bar, Portland

DWIJ: I am buying you a shot of tequila.
MIBS: Thanks, but I'm fine.
DWIJ: What? You don't drink tequila?
MIBS: The last time I drank tequila I woke up as an Amway distributor.