Wherein The Difference Between Slash And Screech Is Discussed, or, Everything Is Easy Until You Set It On Expert

Act Twenty Three, Scene Three

Cast: Man In Einstein T-Shirt, Woman In NIN T-Shirt

Setting: 7:35 PM, Home, Sofa, Playing Guitar Hero On Wii

WININT: You are a rock god, baby!
MIET: As long as its set on easy, sweetie.

Wherein The Beauty Of Recycling Is Discussed, or, Is It Wrong Because Its Easy Or Easy Because It Is Wrong

Act Twenty Three, Scene Two

Cast: Woman In Red Sweater, Woman With Curly Hair

Setting: 10:44 AM, Chairs, Parent Seating Area, Sweet Street, Madison

WIRS: So who is Susie dressed as?
WWCH: Her sister went as Britney Spears last year and she really wanted to go as Britney this year, so I just updated her sister's costume from last year.
WIRS: How did you update it?
MWMH: Added a carton of Kools, fifty pounds and two unwanted kids.

Wherein Credit Is Given Where Credit Is Due, or, Pretty Forward For A Girl Named Cheeto

Act Twenty Three, Scene One

Cast: Woman In Brown Sweater, Man With Messy Hair

Setting: 8:32 AM, Front Seat, Car, Highway 41, Lake Forest

WIBS: I feel like you look.
MWMH: Nice.
WIBS: [Laughing]
MWMH: That was perfect. Just the right amount of cruel accuracy.

Wherein The Fine Line Between Hot And Creepy Is Discussed, or, How Could Something As Right As Plaid Skirts And Knee Socks Look So Wrong?

Act Twenty Two, Scene Five

Cast: Woman In Black Flats, Man With Striped Tie

Setting: 8:47 PM, Table Under The Scissor Print, Shikago, South LeSalle Street, Chicago

MWST: I watched a bit of the parade from my office window this morning.
WIBF: How was it?
MWST: Odd.
WIBF: How so?
MWST: It was led by a group of firemen in kilts.
WIBF: What's so odd about that?
MWST: They looked like the student body of an all girls East German Catholic School. But with less leg hair.

Wherein Disc Three, Tracks One Through Twenty Is Discussed, or, If Sylvia Plath And Morrissey Had A Child

Act Twenty Two, Scene Four

Cast: Man At Desk, Man Returning Keys

Setting: 1:41 PM, Desk, Corner Office

MRK: Thanks for letting me borrow your car:
MAD: No problem. Any time.
MRK: Is everything okay at home?
MAD: Sure. Why do you ask?
MRK: By the fourth track of that CD you were playing I was thinking about killing myself. I thought it might be a cry for help.

Wherein The Cat Is Paroled From The Fendi, or, Kind Of Like The Joke About The Preacher And The Male Prostitute

Act Twenty Two, Scene Three

Cast: Man Still In Plaid Pants, Woman Still In Black T-Shirt

Setting: 7:55 PM, Home, Sofa, Watching Comedy Central

WSIBT: You say all these bitter edgy things, but I know the truth.
MSIPP: Really?
WSIBT: Yep.
MSIPP: I'm all ears.
WSIBT: You drive a minivan.

Wherein A Simple Solution Is Discovered For A Complex Problem, or, I Can't Believe No One Ever Thought Of This

Act Twenty Two, Scene Two

Cast: Man In Plaid Pants, Woman In Black T-Shirt

Setting: 7:45 PM, Home, Sofa, Watching Comedy Central

MIPP: I think I have a solution to the famine in Sudan.
WIBT: I don't want to hear it.
MIPP: Seriously.
WIBT: Please just stop talking.
MIPP: I really think I can help.
WIBT: I'm not listening.
MIPP: Cannibalism.

Wherein The Phrase "Its All In How You Look At It" Is Discussed, or, Horseback Riding, White Water Rafting And Swimming

Act Twenty One, Scene Five

Cast: Man With Blue Boxers, Woman Wearing Man's Shirt

Setting: 11:02 PM, Home, Bed

MWBB: I'm thinking of going to rehab.
WWMS: But you don't drink or do drugs.
MWBB: I know but Lindsay makes it look like an ad for maxi pads.
WWMS: You're twisted.

Wherein Another Million Dollar Idea Is Killed In Committee, or, Why You Hatin', Boo?

Act Twenty One, Scene Four

Cast: Man In Grey Tie, Woman In Blue Sweater

Setting: 10:12 AM, Lake County Forest Preserve, Independence Grove Dog Exercise Area

MIGT: I was watching Top Chef reruns the other night and I had a great idea.
WIBS: Oh God, not again.
MIGT: Seriously. This is a good one: douches for foodies.
WIBS: Don't say another word.
MIGT: Balsamic vinegar and water.
WIBS: Stop.
MIGT: But...
WIBS: No. Just, no.

Wherein The Grand Mystery Of Love Is Discussed, or, Think Ruben Studdard and Nicole Ritchie

Act Twenty One, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Someone Else, Abby The Dog, Someone Else's The Dog

Setting: 10:12 AM, Lake County Forest Preserve, Independence Grove Dog Exercise Area

Myself: Wow! Isn't he a handsome dog?
Someone Else: Thank you.
Myself: What breed is he?
Someone Else: He's half mastif and half labrador. We call him a Mastador.
Myself: That must have been an interesting date.
Someone Else: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]
Someone Else's The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]
Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]

Wherein The Difference Between Full Time Blogger and Full Timer Who Blogs Is Discussed, or, Like You Could Do Any Better

Act Twenty One, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 4:41 PM, Desk, Home, Surfing The Net

Myself: It is a whole lot easier to be funny when you're not working seventy hours a week.
Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]

Wherein The Difference Between Wishful Thinking And Pathetically Delusional Is Discussed, or, What Color Is The Sky In Your World?

Act Twenty One, Scene One

Cast: Man In Striped Shirt One, Man In Striped Shirt Two

Setting: 11:07 PM, Bar, Rodan, North Milwaukee Avenue, Chicago

MISSO: How'd it go?
MISST: Dude, if she wasn't a lesbian, she would have totally slept with me.

Wherein The Importance Of Product Placement Is Discussed, or, Better Make That Two Pounds Of Truffles

Act Twenty, Scene Five

Cast: Man In Striped Shirt, Woman In VW T

Setting: 8:34 PM, Women's Department, Boston Store, West Towne, Madison

MISS: Is it right to put the Godiva display next to the plus sized women's department?
WIVT: Nope. Just smart marketing.

Wherein The Difficulty Of Finding An Untapped Market Is Discussed, or, You Want To Sell What? To Whom?

Act Twenty, Scene Four

Cast: Man In Red Hat, Woman In Orange Sweater

Setting: 8:50 PM, table by the window, Cosi, State Street, Madison

MIRH: I had a great idea for a business today.
WIOS: Again?
MIRH: Attitude? You're giving me attitude?
WIOS: After the whole Cool Ranch flavored communion wafers debacle, yes, I think a bit of attitude is warranted.
MIRH: Oh, this is much better than that.
WIOS: Against my better judgement, I'll bite. What is your new idea?
MIRH: Mint jelly flavored lubricant.
WIOS: Who would want that?
MIRH: Lots of guys in New Zealand and Scotland.
WIOS: I'm speechless.
MIRH: In my defence, you did ask.

Wherein The Phrase Turnabout Is Fair Play Is Discussed, or, Just What The Hypocritical Bastard Deserves

Act Twenty, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 5:41 PM, Couch, Home, Watching A&E

Myself: I should pitch a show to Telemundo where a bounty hunter sneaks into the United States and drags Dog's dumb ass back to Mexico.
Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]

Wherein The Phrase Taking Candy From A Baby Is Discussed, or, It Isn't Exactly Rocket Surgery

Act Twenty, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 3:11 PM, Couch, Home, Watching Mtv

Myself: Punking Britney Spears is kind of like punking the kid who played Corky on "Life Goes On".
Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]

Wherein The Definition Of The Word Misrepresentation Is Discussed, or, Can You Really Call Stale Pretzels Haute Cuisine?

Act Twenty, Scene One

Cast: Man In Blue Sweater

Setting: 1:07 PM, Gate C17, PDX

MIBS: Gate Gourmet? That is quite possibly the single greatest misnomer in human history.

Wherein An Odd Blend Of Bad Floral Prints Is Discussed, or, Is There A Helen Kellor School Of Interior Design?

Act Nineteen, Scene Five

Cast: Man In Driving Moccasins

Setting: 10:07 PM, Room 304, Bozeman Inn, Bozeman, Montana

MIDM: This room looks like it was decorated by Laura Ashley's white trash cousin.

Wherein An Intense Feeling Of Deja Vu Is Discussed, or, Parachute Pants And Member's Only Jackets And Espadrilles , Oh My!

Act Nineteen, Scene Four

Cast: Man In Khaki Pants, Woman In Red Sweatshirt

Setting: 6:41 PM, Rushmore Mall, Rapid City, South Dakota

MIKP: Wow! They have a Waldenbooks! I didn't know they still existed.
WIRS: Me either. Look, there's an arcade.
MIKP: Its like the mall that time forgot. All they need is a Chess King and it'd be every mall I was in during high school.
WIRS: Whats Chess King?

Wherein The Limits Of Modern Pharmacology Are Discussed, or, Please God, Make It Stop!

Act Nineteen, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 11:51 PM, Couch, Home, Surfing The Net

Myself: There must be some drug that I can take to make me forget I heard Alanis Morissette sing "My Humps".
Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]

Wherein The Target Demographic For MTV's "Sweet Sixteen" Is Observed, or, How Stupid Do You Have To Be Before You're Considered A House Plant?

Act Nineteen, Scene Two

Cast: Man With Red Good Dog-Bad Dog Hat, Woman With Pink Good Dog-Bad Dog Shirt

Setting: 10:23 PM, Baggage Carousel Eight, Chicago O'Hare International Airport

MWRGD-BDH: Did you see that woman waiting for a taxi?
WWPGD-BDS: The one who looks like she watches way too much of "The Simple Life"?
MWRGD-BDH: Yep, and needs someone to explain it to her.

Wherein A Method For Getting An Entire Row To Yourself On A Crowded Flight Is Discussed, or, Shit, Did I Just Say That Out Loud?

Act Nineteen, Scene One

Cast: Man With Italian Man Purse

Setting: 2:56 PM, Gate C9, Portland International Airport

MWILMP: Do you think masturbating at 31,000 feet qualifies you for the mile high club?

Wherein The Need To Plan For All Eventualities Is Discussed, or, Have You Ever See The Film Alive?

Act Eighteen, Scene Five

Cast: Man In Seat 2B, Man In Seat 2C

Setting: 8:40 PM, Flight 562, American Airlines, somewhere over the Rockies

MIS2C: When it gets bumpy like this do you ever look around the cabin to see who you'd want to eat first if the plane went down?
MIS2B: Sorry?
MIS2C: I was thinking the fat guy in row 17 looks pretty good.

Wherein The Phrase "It Takes All Kinds" Is Discussed , or, Dreadlocks And Mulletts, Oh My!

Act Eighteen, Scene Four

Cast: Man Drinking Chai, Woman Drinking Espresso

Setting: 10:15 AM, Haven, SE Division Street, Portland

MDC: The red line was packed last night when I was coming home.
WDE: I wonder why?
MDC: It was half protesters from the anti-war demonstration and half hockey fans from the Winter Hawks game.
WDE: That's kind of an odd mix.
MDC: You could tell them apart pretty easily though; the hockey fans were all drunk and the protesters were all stoned.
WDE: [Laughing.]
MDC: It was the most fun I've ever had on the Max.

Wherein The Difficulty In Deciphering A Mixed Message Is Discussed, or, PC Or Not PC, That Is The Question

Act Eighteen, Scene Three

Cast: Man Carrying Purple Tulips, Woman Wearing Pink Crocs

Setting: 4:22 PM, Walking, Sidewalk, SE Division and 35th Place, Portland

MCPT: This morning I saw a woman chain smoking while driving a new Prius. It had a Bush-Cheney 2004 bumper sticker.
WWPC: Confusing.
MCPT: I know. Its been bothering me all day.

Wherein A Disturbing Truth Is Revealed By An Even More Disturbing Source, or, For The Love Of God Please Stop Talking

Act Eighteen, Scene Two

Cast: Man Drinking Two Dollar PBRs, Other Man Drinking Two Dollar PBRs

Setting: 6:17 PM, The Bar Of The Gods, Hawthorne Street, Portland

OMDTDPBRs: You look stressed. Bad day at work?
MDTDPBRs: Nope. It was the train ride home.
OMDTDPBRs: Whys that?
MDTDPBRs: I got stuck next to this really bad transvestite that looked just like Whoopi Goldberg.
OMDTDPBRs: So?
MDTDPBRs: She had an incredibly loud voice and an elaborate theory about who was really responsible for the attacks on 9/11.
OMDTDPBRs: Huh.
MDTDPBRs: She explained the whole thing to the entire car from Hawthorn Farm until she got off at the Hollywood Transit Center.
OMDTDPBRs: Wow.
MDTDPBRs: I know. I almost got off and walked.
OMDTDPBRs: That would have been a long walk.
MDTDPBRs: It would have been worth it.
OMDTDPBRs: So who did she say did it?
MDTDPBRs: I hate you.

Wherein The Difference Between An Odd Truth And A Disturbing Untruth Is Discussed, or, Seriously, You Could Come Up With Anything More Creepy?

Act Eighteen, Scene One

Cast: Man With Cast On Left Arm, Man Eating Vegan Beer Battered Fish

Setting: 7:45 PM, Pirates Tavern, NW Mt. Saint Helens Road, Portland

MEVBBF: What happened to your hand?
MWCOLA: I broke my thumb.
MEVBBF: Ouch! How'd you manage that?
MWCOLA: No idea. I woke up Tuesday and it was killing me so I went to the doctor and he said I'd broken a bone.
MEVBBF: Huh. That's weird.
MWCOLA: I know. I really need a better story than that. I was thinking I'd start telling people I broke it masturbating.
MEVBBF: Yeah, because that sounds so much cooler than, "No idea."

Wherein One Of The Reasons Women Will Never Understand Men Is Discussed, or, The Devil Is In The Details

Act Seventeen, Scene Five

Cast: Man Wearing Adidas Samba Classics, Man Wearing Oregon Ducks Hat

Setting: 1:22 PM, Coffee Room, Powell Books, Bernside and 10th, Portland

MWASC: Dude, I think I'm in love.
MWODH: Really? With who?
MWASC: That woman sitting by the window.
MWODH: Since when?
MWASC: Just now.
MWODH: And you decided this how?
MWASC: She's got a copy of The Anarchist's Cookbook and Elle magazine. What more do I need?
MWODH: A first name?
MWASC: A detail, dude. That's just a detail.

Wherein One Of The Reasons Men Will Never Understand Women Is Discussed, or, Let Me Get This Straight...

Act Seventeen, Scene Four

Cast: Woman Wearing Blue Hat

Setting: 9:14 AM, The Tin Shed, NE Alberta, Portland

WWBH: You better be careful. I'm already mad at you for the things you did in my dream.

Wherein The Truth Is Discussed At An Inconvenient Time, or, Like Selling Ice Makers To Siberians

Act Seventeen, Scene Three

Cast: Man With Clipboard, Man With Out Clipboard

Setting: 12:12 PM, Corner of 11th and Couch, Portland

MWC: Do you have a minute to talk about global warming?
MWOC: Seriously? Its thirty six degrees.

Wherein Those Damned Kids Today Are Discussed, or, It Is A Sad Moment Indeed When You Realize That You Are Now "Middle Aged"

Act Seventeen, Scene Two

Cast: Man Eating Captain Neon Burger, Man Drinking Fresh Squeezed Greyhound

Setting: 12:37 PM, The Kennedy School, NE 33rd Avenue, Portland

MECNB: So did you go to Hollister last night?
MDFSG: It was awful.
MECNB: Why?
MDFSG: It reminded me how old I am.
MECNB: You're not that old.
MDFSG: I'm way too old to be shopping at Hollister.
MECNB: It couldn't have been that bad.
MDFSG: It looked like they were having a James Blunt look alike contest. I felt like Mr. Furley.

Wherein The Meaning Of A Well Coordinated Ensemble Is Discussed, or, No Straight Man Trims His Goatee That Neatly

Act Seventeen, Scene One

Cast: Man Reading Empires Of The Atlantic World, Woman With Cup Of Chai Tea Latte

Setting: 10:21 AM, Powell Books, 10th and Burnside, Portland

MREOTAW: He's gay.
WWCOCTL: No he isn't.
MREOTAW: He was wearing a beret.
WWCOCTL: So? Maybe he was French.
MREOTAW: It matched his sweater and his socks. He was gay.
WWCOCTL: Ok. He was gay.
MREOTAW: Good. I'm glad you're with me on this.
WWCOCTL: Should I be concerned that you noticed that his socks matched his beret?

Wherein The Difficulty Of Replacating A Past Success Is Discussed, or, He Made Leonardo DiCaprio Look Like An Actor - What Can't He Do?

Act Sixteen, Scene Five

Cast: Myself, London Tube Mug Full Of Pigma Micron Pens

Setting: 9:22 PM, Home, Desk, Surfing The Net

Myself: First Terminator, then Titanic and now the tomb of Jesus? What now? The only way he 'llever be able to top this is to get Danny Bonaduce an Oscar for Best Actor.
COWCWTBS: [Does nothing.]

Wherein The Tragedy Of Being Bad At Something Horrible Is Discussed, or, Why On Earth Would You Stay To Answer Questions?

Act Sixteen, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Bowl Of Thai Curry

Setting: 11:23 PM, Couch, Home, Watching Dateline

Myself: Its bad enough that the whole world finds out you're a child molester, but these guys aren't even good at it.
BOTC: [Does nothing]

Wherein The Fine Line Between Prophet And Total Whack Job Is Explored, or, Like Henry Rollins With Fewer Tattoos And Better Grammer

Act Sixteen, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Copy Of William Carlos Williams' The Broken Span

Setting: 9:22 PM, Gold Room, Powell's Books, 10th and Burnside, Portland

Myself: "The Wisdom of Edgar Cayce". I'd have thought it would be a much shorter book.
COWCWTBS: [Does nothing.]

Wherein Sandwiches In The Shape Of Fish Are Consumed, or, Industrial, Goth, Cyber Kinetic, Future Trash, Fetish and DIY

Act Sixteen, Scene Two

Cast: Man With Italian Handbag, Utterly Unflappable Goth Waitress

Setting: 12:22 PM, No Fish! Go Fish!, Table Near The Window, Hawthorne Street, Portland

UUGW: I assume that you will be eating with your hands?
MWIH: Except the soup.
UUGW: Right. That'd be messy.

Wherein An Odd Choice Of Subject Matter Is DIscussed, or, Elmo And Big Bird In The Charles Manson Story

Act Sixteen, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Copy Of Thomas Friedman's Longitudes & Attitudes

Setting: 1:15 PM, Biography Section, Hollywood Branch, Multnomah County Library

Myself: A biography of Adolf Hitler for children. Oh, its part of a series. They also have one for Stalin. Maybe they can do Pol Pot and hit the evil bastard trifecta.
COTFL&A: [Does nothing.]

Wherein The Definition Of What Constitutes Family Entertainment Is Discussed, or, I'll Make Fun Of It Even Though I Didn't Actually Watch

Act Fifteen, Scene Five

Cast: Myself, Copy of Max Barry's "Jennifer Government"

Setting: 9:03 PM, Home, Sofa, Watching ABC Family

Myself: Huh. Satan's School For Girls. Its like the Manson Family Network.
COMBJG: [Does nothing.]

Wherein The Creativity Of Some Ad Agency Is Questioned, or, Baseball, Apple Pie And A Little Bit Of Titty

Act Fifteen, Scene Four

Cast: Man With Messy Brown Hair, Asian Woman In Glasses

Setting: 8:10 PM, Someone's House, Watching The Super Bow

MWMBH: Not that I mind hot women in tight t-shirts chanting "Go Daddy", but don't you think that for a million and a half dollars they could of come up with something better?
AWIG: Why mess with a winner?

Wherein An Unexpected Benefit Of Your Team Winning The Super Bowl Is Discussed, or, What 's The Return Policy On Big Screen Televisions?

Act Fifteen, Scene Three

Cast: Woman With Messy Blonde Hair, Man With Messy Brown Hair

Setting: 7:22 PM, Someone's House, Watching The Super Bowl

WWMBH: If the Colt's this keeps up, Cheryl's husband should kill himself in about an hour.
MWMBH: Bear's fan, huh?
WWMBH: And a complete asshole. Go Colts!

Wherein The Bitter, Hateful Side Of My Nature Reasserts Itself, or, Working Through The To Do List Backwards

Act Fifteen, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, A Pretty Vase Of Yellow Tulips

Setting: 4:15 PM, Home, Surfing The Net

Myself: Hmm...the guy that produced Popozao killed himself. If only he'd thought of the rest of us and reversed the order.
APVOYT: [Does nothing.]

Wherein The Fine Line Between Bad Date And Really Bad Date Is Discussed, or, Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend

Act Fifteen, Scene One

Cast: Woman With Magenta Hair, Man Wearing Mao Pin

Setting: 8:15 PM, The Laurelwood, Portland

MWMP: My sister is trying to set me up with this woman she works with.
WWMH: A blind date?
MWMP: I talked to her on the phone last night. She wants to go out on Saturday.
WWMH: You might wind up dead in a ditch somewhere.
MWMP: That wouldn't be the worst weekend I've had recently.

Wherein The Gender Of A Rather Large Rock Is Discussed, or, Why Isn't This Getting Easier As I Get Older?

Act Fourteen, Scene Five

Cast: Man Reading The Gnostic Gospels, Woman Reading Vanity Fair

Setting: 4:23 PM, Powells Books, Portland

MRTGG: Last night when I was at dinner I overheard two women talking about whether Mt. Hood was male or female.
WRVF: What did they decide?
MRTGG: They didn't - one said male the other said female.
WRVF: Which side do you come down on?
MRTGG: Mt. Hood is definitely female.
WRVF: Whys that?
MRTGG: Because she's capricious, frigid, utterly heartless, looks easy from a distance and you have no idea how much trouble you're in until its too late.
WRVF: Wow. I have no response to that.

Wherein The Usefulness Of Orange Juice As A Nasal Spray Is Discussed, or, Stop Talking Until I'm Done Drinking This

Act Fourteen, Scene Four

Cast: Man Eating Fried Potatoes, Woman Drinking Orange Juice

Setting: 9:23 AM, Violet's Cafe, Portland

MEFP: I had to go out to Wal-Mart last night to buy a shower curtain.
WDOJ: Which one did you go to?
MEFP: The one on 82nd.
WDOJ: Really? I'm glad you lived to tell the tale.
MEFP: I didn't realize what a dodgy area it was in until the cashier said, "Good luck getting to your car" when she handed me my change.
WDOJ: [Snorts OJ through nose]
MEFP: And the "greeter" looks like a cross between Crispin Glover and Charles Manson. The look on his face - I swear he was trying to kill me with the power of mind.
WDOJ: Damn it. Stop that.

Wherein One Gets Lost Trying To Follow The Middle Way In Downtown Portland, or, Was There A Discount On One Way Street Signs?

Act Fourteen, Scene Three

Cast: Man In Blue Sweater Holding IPA, Man In Green T-shirt Drinking Pabst

Setting: 1:07 AM, Still watching Jackstraw, Goodfoot Bar, Portland

MIGTDP: So what do you do?
MIBSHI: At the moment? Nothing.
MIGTDP: Umm...okay.
MIBSHI: I moved to Portland last night. I just started looking.
MIGTDP: Ahh, okay. So in an ideal world what would you do for a living?
MIBSHI: In an ideal world? I'd be leading a socialist revolution in Mexico.
MIGTDP: Huh.
MIBSHI: I don't know that I'd be any good at it, though.
MIGTDP: Because you're a gringo?
MIBSHI: Not that. It's hard to light the fire of revolution when you're a Buddhist.

Wherein The Danger Of Mixing Business And Pleasure Is Discussed, or, Like A Cross Between A Jehovah's Witness and A Member Of The Gambino Family

Act Fourteen, Scene Two

Cast: Man In Blue Sweater, Drunk Woman In Jeans

Setting: 11:17 PM, Watching Jackstraw, Goodfoot Bar, Portland

DWIJ: I am buying you a shot of tequila.
MIBS: Thanks, but I'm fine.
DWIJ: What? You don't drink tequila?
MIBS: The last time I drank tequila I woke up as an Amway distributor.