Wherein The Depth Of One's Faith Is Discussed, or, Didn't Bill Clinton Teach Us Anything About Interns?

Act Thirteen, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 12:21 PM, couch, Home, Watching Fox News

Myself: No one's a Christian when they're alone in a room.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Difference Between Forrest Gump And Raymond Babbit Is Discussed, or, Two Plus Two Equals Jello

Act Twelve, Scene Five

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 8:21 PM, couch, Home, Watching The Girls Next Door

Myself: Damn Kendra is dumb. She makes Anna Nicole Smith look like a member of Mensa.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Importance Of A Sense Of Humor Is Discussed, or, At Least He Had The Courtesy To Look Crazy

Act Twelve, Scene Four

Cast: Man Eating Callos Jean, Woman Eating Crema De Frijol A La Cerveza

Setting: 10:16 PM, Candelas, Third Avenue, San Diego

WECDFALC: Shellie's new girlfriend kind of scares me.
MECJ: Why is that?
WECDFALC: She looks like an extra in American History X.
MECJ: I don't know, I kind of like her. For a neo-Nazi, she's pretty funny.

Wherein The Importance Of A Good First Impression Is Discussed, or, If It Seems To Good To Be True, It Must Be A Bulk Email

Act Twelve, Scene Three

Cast: Man Putting For Birdie, Man Putting For Par

Setting: 10:12 AM, Seventeenth Hole, Lake Course at The Olympic Club, San Francisco

MPFP: Did you hear that Pat and Anita broke up?
MPFB: No, but it was only a matter of time.
MPFP: Why?
MPFB: He met her at church.
MPFP: Seriously?
MPFB: Their relationship was doomed from the start.

Wherein The Strength Of One Man's Masochistic Tendencies Are Measured, or, Two Hours Of Intense Cardio Daily

Act Twelve, Scene Two

Cast: Man Drinking Warm Sake, Woman Eating Toro

Setting: 8:47 PM, Ebisu, Ninth Avenue, San Francisco

WET: How is the new job going?
MDWS: The job is great but I hate the commute.
WET: How long is it?
MDW: An hour each way.
WET: That's not too bad.
MDWS: Maybe not, but there is no one on earth less suited to commuting than I am.
WET: Why is that?
MDWS: I can't even get through the check out at the grocery store without wanting to kill someone.

Wherein The Unholy Alliance Of Vapid And Semi-Literate Is Discussed, or, Is Deeply Shallow An Oxymoron?

Act Twelve, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:51 PM, couch, Home, Watching Project Runway

Myself: Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson? Its hard to believe that there's a movie that's actually better because Andy Dick is in it.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The State Of The Union Is Discussed, Part IV, or, Bad News Hurts Less When You Are Well Dressed

Act Eleven, Scene Five

Cast: Man In Etro Shirt, Woman With Hermes Bag

Setting: 11:46 AM, Clinton Street Baking Company, Clinton Street, New York

WWHB: This isn't a relationship, its Stockholm Syndrome.

Wherein The Application Of Necessary Force Is Discussed, or, You Just Might Find, You Get What You Need

Act Eleven, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 10:43 PM, Desk, Home, Watching Fox News

Myself: Enlightened self interest. Right. Its the art of being just nice enough to someone that they still blow you.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The State of Fashion Is Discussed, Part III, or, Where Were These Girls When I Was In College?

Act Eleven, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Someone Else

Setting: 2:43 PM, University Bookstore, State Street

Myself: When did dressing like whore become fashionable?
Someone Else: Apparently you've been in a cave in Tora Bora for the last decade.
Myself: Well, yeah, but she looks like Paris Hilton's slutty little sister.
Someone Else: You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Myself: Why didn't she just get "I'm Easy" tattooed on her forehead?
Someone Else: She wants to look cheap, not desperate.
Myself: Then well done, I guess.

Wherein The Odd Fluctuations In The Balance Of Good and Evil Are Discussed, or, For A Republican You Know An Awful Lot About Pop Culture

Act Eleven, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 10:43 PM, Desk, Home, Posting To Utility Of Squirrels

Myself: I mention Bukkake and my goodness rating hits 80%. The next post I mention Paris Hilton and I'm down to 65%. I wonder what would happen if I mentioned Lindsay Lohan?
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Similarity Of Things That Seem Quite Different Are Discussed, or, Once Again Walking The Fine Line Between Something And Something Else

Act Ten, Scene Five

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 2:47 AM, Desk, Home, Surfing The Net

Myself: I'm beginning to understand why all those fundamentalist Musmlims hate the internet. I Googled "burkka" and got, "Did you mean: bukkake".
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Gospel According To C & C Music Factory Is Discussed, or, It Really Is All In How You Look At It

Act Eleven, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 2:55 AM, Desk, Home, Posting To Utility Of Squirrels

Myself: Does it seem wrong that after I mention bukkake, my goodness certification jumped from to 67% to 80%?
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Perils Of Seeing A Psychologist Who Earned His Degree Online Are Discussed, or, ...Fool Me Twice, I Must Have Gone To Stanford

Act Ten, Scene Four

Cast: Man In Seat 1B, Woman In Seat 1C

Setting: 11:07 AM, America West Flight 53, JFK to LAS

WIS1C: So how are things going with Dr. Feinman?
MIS1B: I had to stop seeing him.
WIS1C: What!? Why?
MIS1B: I found out he owns a couple of fast food places.
WIS1C: What's wrong with that?
MIS1B: How can I respect the advice of a man dumb enough to buy TWO Arby's?
WIS1C: Really? Arby's? Two of them?
MIS1B: If they had been Taco Bell's, I would have kept seeing him.
WIS1C: God, that's awful. It would be like finding out your son's teacher went to Michigan State.