Wherein The Target Demographic For MTV's "Sweet Sixteen" Is Observed, or, How Stupid Do You Have To Be Before You're Considered A House Plant?

Act Nineteen, Scene Two

Cast: Man With Red Good Dog-Bad Dog Hat, Woman With Pink Good Dog-Bad Dog Shirt

Setting: 10:23 PM, Baggage Carousel Eight, Chicago O'Hare International Airport

MWRGD-BDH: Did you see that woman waiting for a taxi?
WWPGD-BDS: The one who looks like she watches way too much of "The Simple Life"?
MWRGD-BDH: Yep, and needs someone to explain it to her.

Wherein A Method For Getting An Entire Row To Yourself On A Crowded Flight Is Discussed, or, Shit, Did I Just Say That Out Loud?

Act Nineteen, Scene One

Cast: Man With Italian Man Purse

Setting: 2:56 PM, Gate C9, Portland International Airport

MWILMP: Do you think masturbating at 31,000 feet qualifies you for the mile high club?

Wherein The Need To Plan For All Eventualities Is Discussed, or, Have You Ever See The Film Alive?

Act Eighteen, Scene Five

Cast: Man In Seat 2B, Man In Seat 2C

Setting: 8:40 PM, Flight 562, American Airlines, somewhere over the Rockies

MIS2C: When it gets bumpy like this do you ever look around the cabin to see who you'd want to eat first if the plane went down?
MIS2B: Sorry?
MIS2C: I was thinking the fat guy in row 17 looks pretty good.

Wherein The Phrase "It Takes All Kinds" Is Discussed , or, Dreadlocks And Mulletts, Oh My!

Act Eighteen, Scene Four

Cast: Man Drinking Chai, Woman Drinking Espresso

Setting: 10:15 AM, Haven, SE Division Street, Portland

MDC: The red line was packed last night when I was coming home.
WDE: I wonder why?
MDC: It was half protesters from the anti-war demonstration and half hockey fans from the Winter Hawks game.
WDE: That's kind of an odd mix.
MDC: You could tell them apart pretty easily though; the hockey fans were all drunk and the protesters were all stoned.
WDE: [Laughing.]
MDC: It was the most fun I've ever had on the Max.

Wherein The Difficulty In Deciphering A Mixed Message Is Discussed, or, PC Or Not PC, That Is The Question

Act Eighteen, Scene Three

Cast: Man Carrying Purple Tulips, Woman Wearing Pink Crocs

Setting: 4:22 PM, Walking, Sidewalk, SE Division and 35th Place, Portland

MCPT: This morning I saw a woman chain smoking while driving a new Prius. It had a Bush-Cheney 2004 bumper sticker.
WWPC: Confusing.
MCPT: I know. Its been bothering me all day.

Wherein A Disturbing Truth Is Revealed By An Even More Disturbing Source, or, For The Love Of God Please Stop Talking

Act Eighteen, Scene Two

Cast: Man Drinking Two Dollar PBRs, Other Man Drinking Two Dollar PBRs

Setting: 6:17 PM, The Bar Of The Gods, Hawthorne Street, Portland

OMDTDPBRs: You look stressed. Bad day at work?
MDTDPBRs: Nope. It was the train ride home.
OMDTDPBRs: Whys that?
MDTDPBRs: I got stuck next to this really bad transvestite that looked just like Whoopi Goldberg.
OMDTDPBRs: So?
MDTDPBRs: She had an incredibly loud voice and an elaborate theory about who was really responsible for the attacks on 9/11.
OMDTDPBRs: Huh.
MDTDPBRs: She explained the whole thing to the entire car from Hawthorn Farm until she got off at the Hollywood Transit Center.
OMDTDPBRs: Wow.
MDTDPBRs: I know. I almost got off and walked.
OMDTDPBRs: That would have been a long walk.
MDTDPBRs: It would have been worth it.
OMDTDPBRs: So who did she say did it?
MDTDPBRs: I hate you.

Wherein The Difference Between An Odd Truth And A Disturbing Untruth Is Discussed, or, Seriously, You Could Come Up With Anything More Creepy?

Act Eighteen, Scene One

Cast: Man With Cast On Left Arm, Man Eating Vegan Beer Battered Fish

Setting: 7:45 PM, Pirates Tavern, NW Mt. Saint Helens Road, Portland

MEVBBF: What happened to your hand?
MWCOLA: I broke my thumb.
MEVBBF: Ouch! How'd you manage that?
MWCOLA: No idea. I woke up Tuesday and it was killing me so I went to the doctor and he said I'd broken a bone.
MEVBBF: Huh. That's weird.
MWCOLA: I know. I really need a better story than that. I was thinking I'd start telling people I broke it masturbating.
MEVBBF: Yeah, because that sounds so much cooler than, "No idea."

Wherein One Of The Reasons Women Will Never Understand Men Is Discussed, or, The Devil Is In The Details

Act Seventeen, Scene Five

Cast: Man Wearing Adidas Samba Classics, Man Wearing Oregon Ducks Hat

Setting: 1:22 PM, Coffee Room, Powell Books, Bernside and 10th, Portland

MWASC: Dude, I think I'm in love.
MWODH: Really? With who?
MWASC: That woman sitting by the window.
MWODH: Since when?
MWASC: Just now.
MWODH: And you decided this how?
MWASC: She's got a copy of The Anarchist's Cookbook and Elle magazine. What more do I need?
MWODH: A first name?
MWASC: A detail, dude. That's just a detail.

Wherein One Of The Reasons Men Will Never Understand Women Is Discussed, or, Let Me Get This Straight...

Act Seventeen, Scene Four

Cast: Woman Wearing Blue Hat

Setting: 9:14 AM, The Tin Shed, NE Alberta, Portland

WWBH: You better be careful. I'm already mad at you for the things you did in my dream.

Wherein The Truth Is Discussed At An Inconvenient Time, or, Like Selling Ice Makers To Siberians

Act Seventeen, Scene Three

Cast: Man With Clipboard, Man With Out Clipboard

Setting: 12:12 PM, Corner of 11th and Couch, Portland

MWC: Do you have a minute to talk about global warming?
MWOC: Seriously? Its thirty six degrees.