Wherein The Difficulties Of Meeting For The First Time Are Discussed, or, A Bad Date Is Often Better Than No Date

Act Seven, Scene Five

Cast: Man Eating Eggs Benedict, Man Drinking Tea

Setting: 2:47 PM, Resto Cafe Oxford, rue Sainte-Catherine,Montreal

MEEB: I heard that you let Nicole set you up on a blind date.
MDT: Yes. Her name was Maria.
MEEB: How did it go?
MDT: Its not a good sign when the transvestite with hairy arms and a moustache of Magnum like proportions at the next table looks more appealing than your date.
MEEB: That bad?
MDT: Worse.
MEEB: How could it be worse?
MDT: Everything she was wearing was from the Marge Simpson collection.
MEEB: Who? The transvestite?
MDT: No. My date.
MEEB: Are you going to see her again?
MDT: Tuesday.

Wherein The Difficulties Of Being Someplace Else Are Discussed, or, Like No English I've Ever Heard

Act Seven, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:51 AM, Home, Couch, Watching CBC News: Sunday

Myself: I wish there were subtitles.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Difficulties Of Raising Children Are Discussed, or, Who Was It That Green Lighted That Title

Act Seven, Scene Two

Setting: 9:25 PM, Tru, North Saint Claire Street, Chicago

Cast: Man In Brioni Suit, Woman In Manolo Blahnik Shoes

MIBS: I saw a commercial for a new show on TLC called 'Honey We're Killing The Kids'.
WIMBS: Oh?
MIBS: Its hosted by John and Patsy Ramsey.

Wherein The First Amendment To The Constitution Is Discussed, or, Stuck Between The Osmonds And The Osbournes

Act Seven, Scene One

Cast: Man On Elliptical Trainer One, Man On Elliptical Trainer Two

Setting: 3:27 PM, YMCA, Madison West

MOETO: I see they sold the house next to yours.
MOETT: Yeah. A couple of Jehovah's Witness' bought it.
MOETO: Really?
MOETT: The first thing they did after they moved in was put up a "no soliciting" sign.

Wherein The Move That Will Bring Down Netflix Is Discussed, or, Its Better Than Doing Dinner Theater In Escondido With Jenilee Harrison

Act Six, Scene Five

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 11:17 AM, Home, desk, surfing the net

Myself: This is amazing! For the bargain price of forty eight bucks William Shatner will personally send me a DVD of a movie that I have never heard of each month for a year. God bless you, TJ Hooker!
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Reallocation Of Wealth Is Discussed, or, Still Upset That I Never Got A Dirt Bike

Act Six, Scene Four

Setting: 12:34 PM, Walgreens, University Avenue

Cast: Man Picking Up Prescription, Woman Buying Mascara

MPUP: Do you have ten bucks I can borrow?
WBM: I thought your co-pay was fifteen.
MPUP: It is, but I have five bucks that I forgot to give back to my Mom.
WBM: So you're stealing from your own mother?
MPUP: I don't think of it as stealing. I see it more as a down payment on reparations for a disappointing childhood.

Wherein French Impressionist Art Is Discussed, or, The Fine Line Between Poppy Field (Giverny) And A Black Velvet Elvis

Act Six, Scene Three

Cast: Man Looking At Painting

Setting: 10:24 AM, Second Floor, Art Institute Of Chicago

MLAP: It is somewhat encouraging to note that even a genius like Monet occasionally had an off day.

Wherein The Decision Of An Unexpected Artist To Cover A Prodigy Song Is Discussed, or, First Peewee, Now This. What The Hell Is Going On In Florida?

Act Six, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:27 AM, Couch, Home, Watching E! News Daily

Myself: Yanni got busted for domestic violence? Next thing you know Bjork and Ozzy will be remaking Muskrat Love.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Programming Decisions Of Channel 49 Are Discussed, or, Where Were The Girls Like This When I Was In Highschool

Act Six, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 7:41 PM, Home, Couch, Watching ABC Family

Myself: I don't get it. Its not okay to show the two girls kissing but the incest is fine?
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Urban Proletariat Discusses The Industrial Bourgeoisie, or, You Have No Secrets From The IT Guys

Act Five, Scene Five

Cast: Tech Support Guy In Elevator One, Tech Support Guy In Elevator Two

Setting: 2:35 PM, Elevator, 850 Third Avenue, New York, New York

TSGIEO: Where are you headed?
TSGIET: Twenty Three. Daniel Stevens' office.
TSGIEO: What is it this time?
TSGIET: Keyboard.
TSGIEO: Again? I fixed it two days ago.
TSGIET: What was the problem?
TSGIEO: He accidentally unplugged it.
TSGIET: Didn't he check before he called?
TSGIEO: Stevens? That guy is too lazy to masturbate.
TSGIET: That would be funny if it wasn't so true.
TSGIEO: That wasn't the worst part.
TSGIET: No?
TSGIEO: There was enough food in the keyboard to feed an Ethopian village for a month.

Wherein The Recruiting Policies Of Her Magesty's Secret Service Are Discussed, or, My Dog Wants A Milkbone Martini, Shaken Not Stirred

Act Four, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 9:27 PM, Couch, Home, Watching E! News Daily

Myself: Daniel Craig as the new James Bond is like casting Carrot Top as Othello.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Keeping Of The House Is Discussed, or, A Woman Finally Says Something Funny On My Blog

Act Four, Scene Three

Cast: Woman Shopping For Broccoli, Woman Shopping For Avocado

Setting: 2:37 PM, Produce Department, Whole Foods, Madison

WSFB: I had Peter move the sofa this morning so I could vacuum.
WSFA: Yes?
WSFB: There was enough dog hair under it to knit a pekingese.

Wherein The Auctioning Of Antiques Is Discussed, or, A What Where Now?

Act Four, Scene Two

Cast: Man In Suit In Seat 4A, Woman In Black In Seat 4B

Setting: 6:17 PM, Northwest Flight 1704, LAX to JFK

MISIS4A: So what will you be doing in New York?
WIBIS4B: I am going to an auction preview at Christie's.
MISIS4A: Really? What are you interested in?
WIBIS4B: They have a rare collection of handcarved 19th century Amish sex toys.
MISIS4A: [choking on drink] Excuse me? Sex toys? Amish sex toys?
WIBIS4B: Yes, I've been collecting them for years.
MISIS4A: I have absolutely no response to that.