Wherein The Difficulties Of Dressing In The Dark Are Discussed, or, How My Poor Fashion Sense Cost Me $4.2 Million (Canadian)

Act Two, Scene Three

Cast: Guy In Suit Walking Through The Lobby One, Guy In Suit Walking Through The Lobby Two

Setting: 3:22 PM, Lobby, Hotel Le St. James, Rue Saint-Jacques, Montreal

GISWTTLO: They must have thought I was crazy.
GISWTTLT: Why would they think that?
GISWTTLO: Because I'm wearing a blue pinstripe jacket with a pair of grey pinstripe pants.
GISWTTLT: That didn't make you look crazy, it made you look eccentric and interesting.
GISWTTLO: Really?
GISWTTLT: It was the brown shoes that made you look crazy.
GISWTTLO: We're not getting the contract are we?
GISWTTLT: Not a chance in hell.

Wherein The State of Popular Music is Discussed, or, My Life As A Talentless Hack Part Deux

Act Two, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 3:27 AM, Couch, Home, Watching MTV

Myself: 'My Humps' is kind of like the modern equivalent of when the Beatles would let Ringo sing a couple of songs.
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein The Difficulties Of Being A Guy Are Discussed, or, How To Sleep Comfortably On The Sofa

Act Two, Scene One

Cast: Guy At TGI Friday's Bar One, Guy At TGI Friday's Bar Two

Setting: 10:27 PM, bar, TGI Friday's, Pearson International Airport, Toronto

GATGIFBO: Did you hear about Tony and Susan?
GATGIFBT: No. What happened?
GATGIFBO: She gave him a book of naughty coupons for his birthday.
GATGIFBT: Nice.
GATGIFBO: So he had a bit too much to drink at his birthday party.
GATGIFBT: Right.
GATGIFBO: Sue was driving him home afterwords and he wanted to stop for cigarettes.
GATGIFBT: And then?
GATGIFBO: Well he was taking forever, so she went in to see what was going on.
GATGIFBT: Yeah?
GATGIFBO: Tony didn't have any cash so he was trying to buy a pack of Camels with a blow job coupon.
GATGIFBT: Ouch.

Wherein Women's Fashion Is Discussed, or, How I Inadvertently Offended Half The Women In A Certain Town Which Shall Remain Nameless

Act Two, Scene One

Cast: Some Man, Some Woman

Setting: 6:22 PM, Some Man's bedroom

Some Man: (Trying on Some Woman's skirt.)
Some Woman: That isn't going to fit you.
Some Man: Why not?
Some Woman: It's an eight baby - you need at least a ten.
Some Man: Half the women in this town would kill to be a ten.

Wherein The Simpsons Are Discussed, Or My Life As A Talentless Hack

Act One, Scene Five

Cast: Myself , Abby The Dog

Setting: 4:22 AM, Couch, Home, Watching MTV

Myself: I really think Ashlee should have called this album "Because I'm More Likely To Fuck You Than My Sister".
Abby The Dog: (Looks at Myself, tilts head.)

Wherein An Ex-Girlfriend Is Discussed, or, The Face of An Angel And The Brain Of A Gummy Bear

Act One, Scene Four

Cast: Guy On Exercise Bicycle One (One), Guy On Exercise Bicycle Two (Two)

Setting: 12:20 PM, Princeton Club, Madison West

Two: How is Jean?
One: We broke up.
Two: Really? When?
One: Day before yesterday.
Two: Good.
One: (Surprised) What?
Two: I never liked her.
One: Why not?
Two: I never understood how someone that stupid could have such a good vocabulary.

Wherein Fashion is Discussed, or, Just An Aluminum Foil Chapeau Short Of Crazy

Act One, Scene Three

Cast: The Roommate

Setting: 7:14 PM, 21 September 1990, Room 317, Ames Hall

The Roommate: How do you expect to get a girl dressed like that? You look like you're homeless.

Wherein the Difficulties of Gift Giving Are Discussed, or, Parkinson's, A Dart Board and A Rather Unfortunate Cat.

Act One, Scene Two

Cast: Man Overheard Talking On Cellular Phone While Shopping at Target.

Setting: 4:47 PM, Electronics Department, Target, Madison West

MOTOCPWSAT: Hey.
MOTOCPWSAT: I found a birthday present for Tom and I wanted to see what you thought.
MOTOCPWSAT: A dart board.
MOTOCPWSAT: Really?
MOTOCPWSAT: He has Parkinson's?
MOTOCPWSAT: Huh.
MOTOCPWSAT: Then I guess a dart board probably isn't the way to go.
MOTOCPWSAT: Damn.
MOTOCPWSAT: I guess I'm going to have to kill him.
MOTOCPWSAT: Well, it would be easier to dispose of his body then find a gift.
MOTOCPWSAT: I'll let you know.
MOTOCPWSAT: Bye.

Wherein Air Travel is Discussed, or, How I Learned To Meet Members of The TSA Upclose and Personal at DFW

Act One, Scene One

Cast: Protagonist, Voice Heard Over PA, Nearest Dozen Passengers, Woman Sitting Next to Protagonist.

Setting: 11:40 PM, Gate A19 at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport. Our protagonist is sitting on a black vinyl bench with his back to the window. Behind him we see an American Airlines 757 at the gate.

Voice Heard Over PA: For those passengers waiting for flight 1654 to Chicago, we have just been informed by Airtran that we will need to delay departure while they check a minor mechanical issue.

Protagonist: (Looking over shoulder and out window.) Hmm. It isn't too often that you see FBI and ATF guys on the wing of your plane with a bomb dog.

Nearest Dozen Passengers: (Heads snap towards window.) Various mumbling noises.

Woman Sitting Next to Protagonist: What?! (Seeing look on Protagonist's face.) You really shouldn't stay things like that.