Wherein The Power Of Advertising Is Discussed, or, Everything Is Better With The Promise Of A Happy Ending

Act Twenty Five, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 3:22 AM, Watching CNN, Home, Desk

Myself: They say "New In Town" is Sweet Home Alabama meets Fargo. I thought it was a chick flick, but if they feed Renee Zellweger into a wood chipper I'm there.

Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]

Wherein The Difference Between Fiction And Reality Is Discussed, or, Could You Please Get Me A Beer Like That Miller Lite Dog?

Act Twenty Five, Scene One

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 6:41 PM, Watching NCIS, Home, Sofa

Myself: See that dog? He finds drugs. The only thing you find is hamburger wrappers.

Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]

Wherein The Amazing Power Of A Quick Rejoinder Is Discussed, or, My Feelings Would Have Been Hurt If It Hadn't Been So Damn Funny

Act Twenty Four, Scene Five

Cast: Man On Sofa, Woman In Chair

Setting: 9:44 PM, Reading, Living Room, Home

MOS: Nobody likes a whinger, baby.
WIC: But I like you.

Wherein The Danger Of Speculation In Advance Of The Facts Is Discussed, or, I've Posted About Her HOW Many Times?

Act Twenty Four, Scene Four

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 3:20 AM, Listening To Rehab, Home, Sofa

Myself: You know, the first time I heard this I was thinking she'd look more like Aretha and less like a cracked out Betty Rubble.
Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]

Wherein The Dangerous Life Of A Cop On The Beat Is Discussed, or, Were The Lights And Siren Absolutely Necessary?

Act Twenty Four, Scene Three

Cast: Man Driving, Woman Riding

Setting: 6:26 PM, Pulled Over Waiting For Cop To Pass, Car, Sheridan Road, Lake Forest

MD: Wow! He's in a hurry.
WR: Must be a 10-73.
MD: What's a 10-73?
WR: The "Hot and Ready" light at the Krispy Kreme just went on.

Wherein The Man Behind The Curtain Is Exposed, Or, At Least It Isn't As Bad As Mini-Me's Video

Act Twenty Four, Scene Two

Cast: Man In Red T-Shirt, Woman In Grey Sweatshirt

Setting: 9:32 PM, Home, Sofa, Surfing the net

MIRT-S: This is really messed up.
WIGS: What are you looking at?
MIRT-S: Smurf Porn.
WIGS: Smurf Porn?
MIRT-S: Technically its "Mexican" Smurf Porn.
WIGS: That not a sentence you get to use very often.
MIRT-S: Its not very often you see two six foot Mexican Smurfs boning away on Smurfette.
WIGS: I have no response to that.
MIRT-S: Damn, they're not real Smurfs.
WIGS: How can you tell?
MIRT-S: They're losing their blue makeup.
WIGS: Why are you still watching it?
MIRT-S: I want to see how it ends.

Wherein The Straw That Broke The Camels Back Is Discussed, or, Britney Plus Oprah Minus Dr. Phil

Act Twenty Four, Scene One

Cast: Man In Green Jacket, Woman In Cardigan Sweater

Setting: 11:02 AM, Watching Headline News, Waiting To Check Out Books, Warren Newport Public Library

WICS: Look, Delta Burke had a meltdown.
MIGJ: Yeah they closed the Cheesecake Factory next to her house.

Wherein The Difference Between A Z4 And An Escalade Is Discussed, or, The Post That Finally Assures My Place In Hell

Act Twenty Three, Scene Five

Cast: Man In Blue Sweater, Woman In Grey Pants

Setting: 8:40, Home, Dinner Table, Eating Lasagna

WIGP: Did you hear what happened in Tinley Park?
MIBS: No.
WIGP: Some guy killed five women at a Lane Bryant.
MIBS: Big deal.
WIGP: Thats kind of cold.
MIBS: I'd have been considerably more impressed if he'd hit five of those size two chicks at a Limited.

Wherein The Final Nail Is Hammered Into The Coffin Of Western Civilization Is DIscussed, or, Ghandi Was Right

Act Twenty Three, Scene Four

Cast: Man Eating Taquitos, Woman Drinking Chardonnay

Setting: 9:07 PM, Home, Sofa, Watching Iowa Caucus returns on NBC

MET: Did Brian Williams just say, "These numbers are off the hook"?
WDC: I think he did.
MET: Tim Russert should have said "Fo shizzle".
WDC: Word.

Wherein The Difference Between Slash And Screech Is Discussed, or, Everything Is Easy Until You Set It On Expert

Act Twenty Three, Scene Three

Cast: Man In Einstein T-Shirt, Woman In NIN T-Shirt

Setting: 7:35 PM, Home, Sofa, Playing Guitar Hero On Wii

WININT: You are a rock god, baby!
MIET: As long as its set on easy, sweetie.

Wherein The Beauty Of Recycling Is Discussed, or, Is It Wrong Because Its Easy Or Easy Because It Is Wrong

Act Twenty Three, Scene Two

Cast: Woman In Red Sweater, Woman With Curly Hair

Setting: 10:44 AM, Chairs, Parent Seating Area, Sweet Street, Madison

WIRS: So who is Susie dressed as?
WWCH: Her sister went as Britney Spears last year and she really wanted to go as Britney this year, so I just updated her sister's costume from last year.
WIRS: How did you update it?
MWMH: Added a carton of Kools, fifty pounds and two unwanted kids.

Wherein Credit Is Given Where Credit Is Due, or, Pretty Forward For A Girl Named Cheeto

Act Twenty Three, Scene One

Cast: Woman In Brown Sweater, Man With Messy Hair

Setting: 8:32 AM, Front Seat, Car, Highway 41, Lake Forest

WIBS: I feel like you look.
MWMH: Nice.
WIBS: [Laughing]
MWMH: That was perfect. Just the right amount of cruel accuracy.

Wherein The Fine Line Between Hot And Creepy Is Discussed, or, How Could Something As Right As Plaid Skirts And Knee Socks Look So Wrong?

Act Twenty Two, Scene Five

Cast: Woman In Black Flats, Man With Striped Tie

Setting: 8:47 PM, Table Under The Scissor Print, Shikago, South LeSalle Street, Chicago

MWST: I watched a bit of the parade from my office window this morning.
WIBF: How was it?
MWST: Odd.
WIBF: How so?
MWST: It was led by a group of firemen in kilts.
WIBF: What's so odd about that?
MWST: They looked like the student body of an all girls East German Catholic School. But with less leg hair.

Wherein Disc Three, Tracks One Through Twenty Is Discussed, or, If Sylvia Plath And Morrissey Had A Child

Act Twenty Two, Scene Four

Cast: Man At Desk, Man Returning Keys

Setting: 1:41 PM, Desk, Corner Office

MRK: Thanks for letting me borrow your car:
MAD: No problem. Any time.
MRK: Is everything okay at home?
MAD: Sure. Why do you ask?
MRK: By the fourth track of that CD you were playing I was thinking about killing myself. I thought it might be a cry for help.

Wherein The Cat Is Paroled From The Fendi, or, Kind Of Like The Joke About The Preacher And The Male Prostitute

Act Twenty Two, Scene Three

Cast: Man Still In Plaid Pants, Woman Still In Black T-Shirt

Setting: 7:55 PM, Home, Sofa, Watching Comedy Central

WSIBT: You say all these bitter edgy things, but I know the truth.
MSIPP: Really?
WSIBT: Yep.
MSIPP: I'm all ears.
WSIBT: You drive a minivan.

Wherein A Simple Solution Is Discovered For A Complex Problem, or, I Can't Believe No One Ever Thought Of This

Act Twenty Two, Scene Two

Cast: Man In Plaid Pants, Woman In Black T-Shirt

Setting: 7:45 PM, Home, Sofa, Watching Comedy Central

MIPP: I think I have a solution to the famine in Sudan.
WIBT: I don't want to hear it.
MIPP: Seriously.
WIBT: Please just stop talking.
MIPP: I really think I can help.
WIBT: I'm not listening.
MIPP: Cannibalism.

Wherein The Phrase "Its All In How You Look At It" Is Discussed, or, Horseback Riding, White Water Rafting And Swimming

Act Twenty One, Scene Five

Cast: Man With Blue Boxers, Woman Wearing Man's Shirt

Setting: 11:02 PM, Home, Bed

MWBB: I'm thinking of going to rehab.
WWMS: But you don't drink or do drugs.
MWBB: I know but Lindsay makes it look like an ad for maxi pads.
WWMS: You're twisted.

Wherein Another Million Dollar Idea Is Killed In Committee, or, Why You Hatin', Boo?

Act Twenty One, Scene Four

Cast: Man In Grey Tie, Woman In Blue Sweater

Setting: 10:12 AM, Lake County Forest Preserve, Independence Grove Dog Exercise Area

MIGT: I was watching Top Chef reruns the other night and I had a great idea.
WIBS: Oh God, not again.
MIGT: Seriously. This is a good one: douches for foodies.
WIBS: Don't say another word.
MIGT: Balsamic vinegar and water.
WIBS: Stop.
MIGT: But...
WIBS: No. Just, no.

Wherein The Grand Mystery Of Love Is Discussed, or, Think Ruben Studdard and Nicole Ritchie

Act Twenty One, Scene Three

Cast: Myself, Someone Else, Abby The Dog, Someone Else's The Dog

Setting: 10:12 AM, Lake County Forest Preserve, Independence Grove Dog Exercise Area

Myself: Wow! Isn't he a handsome dog?
Someone Else: Thank you.
Myself: What breed is he?
Someone Else: He's half mastif and half labrador. We call him a Mastador.
Myself: That must have been an interesting date.
Someone Else: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]
Someone Else's The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]
Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]

Wherein The Difference Between Full Time Blogger and Full Timer Who Blogs Is Discussed, or, Like You Could Do Any Better

Act Twenty One, Scene Two

Cast: Myself, Abby The Dog

Setting: 4:41 PM, Desk, Home, Surfing The Net

Myself: It is a whole lot easier to be funny when you're not working seventy hours a week.
Abby The Dog: [Looks at Myself, tilts head.]